Old post

Dig out some time ago passage.. wow i was that emo during those times?

心好像撕裂了。

看着你和她，真心觉得很般配，真的。看到你的笑容，就像你当初认识我一样。你知道吗？会和你说话，谈心，就是希望你的笑容能够永远那么灿烂，那么阳光。但是，我知道，那是因为你和她和好了吧？那么，我能功成身退了吗？因为你那般阳光的笑容，现在让我很刺眼，很刺心。。。因为我知道，是时候了。我本就不属于这里，不能在你身边。但是你知道吗，心平静了。但却碎了。。。我真的很喜欢你，很喜欢看着你得到幸福。而我痛的是，我不是那个幸福，你明白吗？但是我不想你尴尬，我宁愿无视你们，让你看到我在笑，很开心。但是我的心，好空，好空。我突然觉得，我好像一个傻瓜，喜欢着你的傻瓜，等待着一个根本不可能的梦。。但是为什么连一个好的结局也不要给我，我只希望能够完美的结束这一切。。。因为你根本看不到我们没有未来。。。。还是你只是在玩我？但是我真的觉得经历的一切都是真的，至少对于我来说是真的。为什么上天这么不公平？我只是希望你能在我身边而已，为什么要把你带走？我不想坚强了，我只希望能够找到一个我能够依靠的肩膀，为什么就不能是他呢？我好累，好倦，好痛。你幸福吗？如果你幸福了，就放我走吧，让时间冲淡一切，你永远是我认识的最好的。所有的回忆，将存封在心里。树熊，为什么你不能是属于我的树熊？但是你已经有了适合你的树了，那我只好远远看着你，希望你真的幸福地活着。你知道吗？因为放不下，所以你无法来到我的身边。但是，为什么告诉我那么多你和她的不快乐？让我真的在怀疑，你真的开心吗？但是没有我，也没差吧。。。

我爱你，真的很爱你。

但是，我要走了，你一定要幸福哦。

日期：八月二十八号 心情 ： 阴

好久没有来这里了，还是在这里发泄的好，不要烦朋友了，也不想他们担心


你知道吗，信任不了这样的你。很多人说我傻，但是真的没法相信你。这样的你，背景，朋友圈，态度。怎么信任，怎么述说。

我应该怎么做。。。。。。。。。

Awesome Memories, Awesome Journey, Awesome Accompanies, Awesome Team

Well, Didn't have the time to actually blog about SBOC so yup here I am using the time I have left to blog before i head out of home again!

Just uploaded the photos on facebook (add me! name : ah hui tan ) and its like bringing me down the journey again and all the memories started flowing.. I still remember how all of us were grouped into different majors from the theme Harry Potter! I was placed into Raven Claw and didn't felt comfortable at first because I actually knew almost no one inside the major other than KaiShiang which is like Richmond and Samion's friend (LOL!) But then, I can say that i have regrets with this team and we actually pieced out a perfect camp experience for everyone in Raven Claw! From Strangers to Friends, all the GLs put in lots of effort to come up with identities, spending the night to do up the Major Flags (Kuodos to Sam and Zeke!).  Even though most of us complaint about having the camp in the Scouts Campsite, it actually brought us out of our own comfort zone, bringing us back to the pri sch era where we always head to campsites for camps!

Even though some of the games might be tiring or even boring, the time spent at the campsite actually bonded all of us, not just sub groups, not just majors, but as a whole ICT family. We cheered together, We bonded together, the GLs spent hours of having major and sub debriefs by their own to come up with better ideas how to bond the campers. I still remember I cried when it was time to pass the braids that the GLs made for the campers. Memories just started coming up, reminds me on how we went around finding materials for the identities, how we camp at Kai Shiang's house to do the braids, starting with a giant big clothes of each colour. Sam even became a cut cloth master after all the work and we were like "they better not lose it and appreciate it!" During the campfire, each and everyone of us cheered hard for the performers and I can say that all performers did a really good job! Dance for Fun peeps also did a short showcase which spark the desire in the campers' hearts to participate in Dance for Fun.

During the debrief, alot of us cried and teared because it was really a success and a big improvement for ICT Society, never once did the GLs took the initiative to come up with identities for the campers and themselves.

We still have alot to improve on, We still have a giant difference from other societies. But I believe if we continue growing, being on the same level as the rest is not far. ICT Society, i never regretted joining as a student buddy.

RC9! Thanks for being such wonderful campers and your endurance to my stupidity is >< wow HAHA! Its cool how we bonded so much more after 3D2N camp and doing stupid spells like expecto patronum! together to scare off the dementors :P Thanks to Sebas i learnt alot from being a good GL too ^^ An Awesome GL Partner indeed! :D

       Raven Claw peeps! Really glad that you guys bonded as a major more than just sub groups! I believe that each and everyone of you are capable to become a good GL and look forward to seeing you guys in the Society ! (that is if they accept me as student buddy again la!) Will treasure each and every moments we had together! Especially the GLs that i met in RC which made me learnt so much more that i could ever receive :) I believe we are an awesome team that KaiShiang will leave no regrets! <3 nbsp="" p="">

SBOC, a camp that I'm glad to participate as GL, a camp that made so much memories, a camp that bonded so many people, a camp that i will never regret joining.

One Random Day After Work

After a hectic day at work, suddenly have this feel to blog hahas! 

Well... till today, mum's situation have been under control... but mental stability wise... sighed. Sometimes I just gets so helpless when she suddenly became so dependent.. like.. its not her any more? but I believe she will get better soon... I guess? Whenever I look at her condition.. just feel so in debt... Like.. it could have not happen right? but there is no turn back.... 

16 March today, 7 days after my 18th birthday~ Well many people thinks that I should be freaking damn happy... Actually I thought I will too you know? But somehow it became so disappointing that I lost faith in my life again and again that day... Is like suddenly the world seems so dark, so bad, so isolating, so cold... Is like suddenly all my predictions came real and what I expected the worst came true.

I couldnt do anything, I couldnt try to change everything. I just waited and waited, with my faith being lost and lost again. I know it should not be some kick ass matter and maybe to most of the rest is "yet another day". I tried to be the same too.... But I cant help but to feel disappointed? Every single tiny wishes can really make a change, and is also what i least expected? But it never comes... then suddenly things start tearing apart and I see myself sinking into sorrow everyday. I know I'm not happy, I know I'm troubled... But I don't know why? Is like I'm working to make myself stop thinking, keeping my schedule as tight as possible.... But it doesn't work? I know its still there.. I remembered every single one.

Maybe its time that I give up my all? Maybe its time to let it go? Maybe it wasn't suppose to be mine in the first place? Maybe I'm nothing to them in the first place? 

I don't know, I don't want to know too

Its the colleagues and manager that are bringing in the minimum laughters. Its the auntie and uncle that thanked me for the help that brighten up my life. Suddenly the rest just disappear and I'm left alone all again.

I thought we promised? I thought it was going to last forever? I thought it will never fades?  

感伤

话说本来不想更一篇的。。。但还是发泄出来会好一点吧 ？

今天的晚餐很特别，很值得一辈子记得。

其实是个很简单的一餐。饭，卤肉，炒蛋，炸云吞。

但是不知道为什么，就很想哭。。

久违的饭香，久违的卤汁，久违的炒蛋，久违的云吞，久违的坐在餐桌上吃着你炒的菜。

这两个月，你比我们还要痛苦。。。失去两个宝贵的指头。。。很痛吧？很伤心吧？

一直无法想象那失去的痛苦。。。我站在手术房外着急的等待。1个小时，2个小时。。 终于还是被推出来了。我感谢上天没有把她收回天界，感谢上天赐予我弥补的机会，感谢。。。她还在我身边。我很自私的，不希望她当天使，只要她在我身边。

但是。。看到她的眼泪，她的不甘心，她的假装坚强。我错了吗？当护士告诉我，两个都保不住了，我只知道。。。都是我的错。都是我害的。

如果我陪你去外婆家，你就不会撞到玻璃。如果我坚持带你去医院看病，你的伤就不会恶化。如果我没有叫你在大雨时来接我，是不是就不会发炎？如果我在关心你一点，是不是就不会这个样子？

但是，没有如果。两个多月的日子，我们熬过来了。但是，过程中的辛酸，又有谁能了解？还记得我躲在厕所里偷偷哭泣，偷偷笑自己那么懦弱。但是。。。真的好怕。。。哥哥不在国内，爸爸还要上班，几乎大小事情都是我决定的。我就像是那个夺取她指头的罗刹。

发生这件事后，突然觉得死神离我们好近，好近。生死，就是那一线之差。我变得很珍惜身边的人，就算是对我撒过谎的，我还是原谅了。因为，真的没有那么多时间去恨一个人了。而且，我不想再失去任何一个人了。。。。我不想一个人。。。。

饭，真的好香。一口一口，回想起一切的一切，好不真实，就好像一场梦。耳边是你轻叹着，" 好久没有煮一顿像样的给你吃了。。。。”  一边吃，一边心里紧了一下。看着你找回人生的意义，真的好好。。好好。。。

是啊，好久了。好久没有说心里话，好久没有和你亲近了。。好久没有和平相处了。。

我咬着半烧焦的炸云吞，吃下淡味的卤饭，偷偷滴下两滴泪水。

妈，我们下辈子再当母女好吗？但是我来当妈妈吧，换我来用无私的母爱来保护你。

“握住你和外婆的手，我们要平安噢！”

Busy Semester 1.2

Currently having EIS lecture but as usual im not listening... well not that i dont want to but its just ;__; too boring and its not necessary since we are doing assignments..
ASSIGNMENTS! Talking about it makes my life full of uncertainty ... EIS assignment due on the 3rd, ESAD assignment due on the 7th , OOP checkpoint due on the 5th and full assignment on 12th, worst thing is that my ESAD presentation clashed with it.... Scary :S what if he gave me harsh comments and i have no mood to do my oop? ;___;

But oh well, need to solve them one by one anyway ;__;

It is just so "WOW" that semester 1.2 is ending... like in a month time?! And soon all of us will be seniors to the new coming freshies, being GL of their class and welcome them to poly life. It just made me curious about them... Are they not happy to enter this course like me at first? Are they gonna mix well with the rest? Are they gonna be a broken class just like mine? This just made me look forward to april, even though it will be super packed hahas! But oh well... freshies! we are waiting for you guys n__n

Gonna have IS briefing on friday... Troubled on what should i choose o.o something im interested in or something that will reflect certain ability in my portfolio?  How how how how how T_T

Sighed! Life is so busy now.... i dont even have time to stock up CNY goodies and deco? T_T Friday have quiz :( i hope i do well in it since my Commis is like... GONE ._.

Sometimes i wonder, why do we have to make friends? Especially when we know that eventually one day some will leave and some will stay for awhile and then leave us... It really sucks to have friends leaving, having friends that feel they dont belong to the clique... But i never ever treated that as a clique? its like big family and i thought it will really stay the way it is... Am i yearning too much?

Im confused.... maybe i should just take UR (Understanding Relationship) as my IS HAHA! But still, i guess i should just be single for my poly life and focus on my GPA as its getting real bad now ;__;

Oh well! having Comm meeting soon, logging off! n_n
published by the name of lazyahhui

Maybe they were right, maybe my heart is leading me to the place, maybe its just the brain that is stopping me from moving. 

21 January 2014

            "People come and go, who stays? who leave? i don't know , and im afraid to know"

Well, it had been a long time since i  blogged xD didnt have the time to >< But well! 2014 is here! A late happy new year to you guys n__n

Well, 2013 was certainly the best and worst year i could have. Many happy things happened but also worst thing happened in my life. Something that will hang my guilt there for life. Everyday i question myself, you could do better, why did u lead her to this state? Seeing her wound will remind the sin i committed, something that even god will not forgive me. Maybe this is the retribution i got ?

Currently a portable heater now... so i guess i dont even know what im typing hahas so please pardon me!
Well, this month is certainly a month that had so much happenings. Somehow i feel so lost as to who to trust and who to distance away. Quarrelled with some, distance with some, befriend with some. But somehow i still feel that im alone. When i want to speak out my words, no one seems to be able to understand and fully feel what i am feeling now.... Bad memories from the past was dig out from those around me now. History repeats itself and i cant help but feel that they are so double sided and fake, but at the same time not willing to give them up because deep inside me i still believe that they are different... Different from that group of people. But still... there is still a side of me that wants to have someone that is exact same as me.... feel my pain, my guilt, my regrets, my happiness, my doubts, my everything. Its impossible i know, but i still continue wishing for a person like this to appear hahas!

Just happen to change my tracklist and went back to the song for a very old taiwan idol show, 黑糖玛奇朵. It accompanies me through my pri and sec 1 life and still continues till present hahas! One of the song i loved the most was 黑糖秀 because its lyrics is really very meaningful! Especially this..." 假如以后我们都各奔西东，请永远记住最初的梦。As some of my friends might not be in the same course or school now, i hope they always remember their dreams and goals, why they wanted that, and i wish them all the best!

Oh ya! and i got a B3 for my English O level retake this year! Certainly happy to get such good result (For me) but i cant help but to think of the 'if' part of my life. If only the B3 was last year, then i might be in school of BA or even perhaps the JC route. But certainly, life ain't a program. There is no if else statement and we can only carry on with my life. Many asked why dont i change course? Well... im happy with my current course, i know my goal after this and the friends i met here are the main reason why i stayed. Cos i dont want to lose them.. Its terrible to lose close friends.

Many asked me why i want to ignore them, ignore all the possibilities of certain matter.... But its not running away from it. I just want to figure out what i really feel, what i really want from it and who to get it.... Cos my heart is at its dilemma... Maybe all my thinkings are impossible so there isnt a chance to think of it. So why bother making a decision? Let things flow by itself and let time decides everything. Also let time prove to myself what i really understand about it and how i feel.

I couldn't do anything, i couldn't change anything. I can only watch you go further and further away from me, my hands stretched out but i couldn't grab you to me. 

 

Time

Well, this few days i realised that time goes really fast, sometimes very slow too. It goes fast when you are having fun, and moves slowly when you are having your driest lecture now. This two weeks, i was on a roller coaster. Life suddenly seems so insignificant in the hands of God. It can be crushed within seconds, nothing will be left behind. I encounter ups and downs this two weeks, i can even say that everyday was filled with tears and fears. Everyday im fearing for her, everyday im crying to the unfairness. It was hard for others to understand or even think that it was nothing. But no... you wont understand because it wasn't on you. You can tell her to remove it easily, but do you get her fear? her timid? her hatred? That's the reason why i rather not let people that are not close to me know, because its irrelevant to them after all. Really thank the two person that stayed and comforted me during this two weeks with the absence of my brother at home. I cried in their shoulders, pour out my sorrows and stood up strongly again -- just to protect her. Really grateful that i have the two of them to lean on, and somehow they know each other now LOL! And also, the two princesses in my class n_n its good to have them around..

well, this sem is very hard to tank, really hope i can score well... 4.0? nahhh i dont think so anymore not with comiss around

Have a good day peeps!
lazyahhui signing off~

Part 2

Because it had been a long time since i saw her ): So i took a polaroid with her and also people that i didnt during chalet :P Not all but more to come yeah! n__n Then suddenly training became a phototaking session and the photobombers were doing their jobs well :P Yoga even lied to me omg! /Kicks him/ ): Well then some of them had an impromptu competition "Final" to mark the end of the training! Some expected and plot twist winners :P OH OH OH and there is this baby crying non stop and i carry her over to coax but i failed ): First time failing to coax a baby! Sighed ): i guess she is really attached to her mother ): But never regretted carrying her over because she was crying till her eyes were red ):

Well, sometimes people asked me if i should leave shooting since i have like lots of stress for my academics. But NO! no way im quitting because its like one of my best source of comfort, secure, happiness and fun. Having to hug my rifle is what i ultra missed now ): NPSC is like a big family to me, brothers and sisters inside, all ready for yet another training with some jokes and laughters in the middle. I really loved my decision of joining shooting again in poly and it is one of the best decision in my life :) Mushy but i really like each and every one of u in the big family, losing one is like an uncompleted puzzle of it :)

Well, going through tough times this few weeks but im not gonna give in to reality! Gonna prove each and every one that doubt me and prove them X100000000000 wrong! Hwaiting Guys! Hang in there :) Im always here to hear your rantings too :)

Kay i shall stop here, its getting abit naggy :P Bye! Till the next time i blog~

lazyahhui   

First Day Of November, Last Day Of Shooting (1)

Well well well, it had been days since i blogged, since nth in particular was interesting or worth ranting :P But i just have to blog about 1st November, when we had our last session of training before the range renovates till Feb'14 ):  Tbh i was looking forward but at the same time sad about that day. Well mixed feelings indeed D:

The day started with 8am class CACM with Mr Kong! i almost fall asleep in his class but i did FMS tutorial to keep myself awake. He gave everyone a sweet and it was indeed so 'sweet' :P Really happy to have him as our CACM teacher!  I think i repeated this for n times But anyway! then we had FMS tutorial for 2 hours which i personally had some unhappiness in between, but whatever! Not long till STRICTLY PANCAKES with my two princesses! n__n

Cabbed to dhoby ghaut and we were unlucky to met with a jam ): But finally we reached Strictly Pancakes and it was the first time the two princesses are eating it so we are a little more excited xD I ordered 'What a Spread!" which is made up of pancakes with peanut butter sauces , one scoop of ice cream and two stick of kinder bueno ! It was dam filling even though we downsize to 2 pancakes instead of 3! It was definitely worth to spend on and a very good experience in the shop :) The two girls ordered some butter prawn thingy which looks good too! n___n then we went to the entrance of SOTA and started spamming pictures and polaroids with all the quotes between the stairs :) It was dam funny but people were judging us do u think i care as if we are tourists even though two of us are wearing NP shirts HAHA! Paiseh :X Then we ended the trip with a walk in the Cathay ^_^ then, OFF TO TRAINING!

First i met Yong Hon at Bukit Gombak Station and we walked to NS home team and started the day of training! Couldn't control my emotions well and breakdown awhile in the range with two of the culprits' trigger point LOL! But oh well! glad that im at the range and Brandon managed to make me laugh the moment he reach the range LOL! sometimes in life im just thankful to have such senior/friend :) Then, i ended training and wanted to complete some work in the range. But Tada! Tinghwee came and im like <3 nbsp="">